Dr Who and the origins of the planet Vegeta aka Scotsmen in space
by Miss SillyGoose Miss anthrope
Summary: King Kai explains to Goku the extended story of his heritage, who would have thought (pun intended) a certain Doctor was involved. Is there really a cure for incivility? Or is it beyond the reach of science? Read on gentle reader. read on. story complete.
1. Chapter 1

Neither Miss Silly Goose nor Miss Anthrope own Dragon Ball or Dr. Who.

And we are actually not stupid...per se...the silliness in the story is intentional. That said Enjoy, laugh, and read on gentle reader.

And now without further ado, the story!

Goku sighed very loudly. "Why do I have to stay _here_? I want to get up!" He began to pull at the bandage on his leg with his free finger. Chi Chi furiously stormed over to his side.

"Don't you dare touch that bandage Goku!"

"But Chi Chi…" he whined.

The door flew open revealing a doctor followed by two nurses.

"Well, how is the patient?" He asked good naturedly.

"All better and ready to go sir!" Gokou exclaimed happily. Chi Chi whacked him in the head.

"No, he is not, don't listen to him doctor!"

"Don't worry Mrs. Son, we won't release him in this condition. But we have made a most interesting discovery we thought you might be interested to know." He sat beside Goku's bed. "You see, we did some bloodwork as you know, and the results came back and it appears you sir, are Scottish."

"What's that?" Chi Chi asked and Goku looked on blankly.

"It's a nationality of course, you know people from Scotland, and here you thought you were Japanese." He chuckled amiably, "well I'll leave you to revel in your new found heritage and be back to check on you later."

Goku and Chi Chi looked at each other confused for a moment.

"I thought you said you were the last of some extinct alien race. You've been lying to me all this time! I can't believe I trusted you!"

"Wait, Chi Chi! I didn't lie, King Kai told me I'm a saiyan, I got here in a spaceship!"

"Sure you did." She scoffed and walked out of the room muttering to herself.

"Hmmm, strange." Goku thought to himself, and had a brilliant idea. "King Kai!" he thought desperately, and the strange nasaly voice answered.

"Yes Goku, what is it now?"

"King Kai, you told me I was a Saiyan, but the doctor just told me that I'm Scottish, so which is it?"

"Oh, dear," King Kai said dramatically, "I was afraid you might ask that some day, but, now I suppose I must tell you the long and terrible story of the origins of your people. Do you have time?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Good, it all started with a blue box, and a strange Gallifrean called the Doctor."

The red light blinked on and off as the regular beep of the alarm blared.

"Systems failing captain, oxygen low."

"How are the test subjects fairing Cornwall?"

"Too well Captain, they are a hardy lot and uncooperative as ever."

"Indeed, a most inconvenient mess."

The captain paced the room a few times muttering to himself and twisting his well groomed mustache. "Lost in the blasted reaches of space.." he could be heard muttering, "Civilized world lost, blasted barbaric troublemakers, why did they have to be…"

A sudden explosion rocked the ship.

"Report!"

"We've lost the left rear fuel tank Captain!"

"Blast! Then we will have to land. Lieutenant Smith, are there any nearby planets with promising atmosphere?"

"Yes captain. An unnamed planet lies ten thousand miles South of us. The air is oxygen saturated, cold it seems, and I detect no intelligent species."

"It will have to do, at least we will not have to deal with more barbarians."

"Henderson! Steer us on. And be quick man!"

"Aye Captain."

The captain paced, his twitching fingers the only indication of his agitation. The ship lurched suddenly.

"We've entered the atmosphere sir."

"Good, make ready to land."

With a great thud and creak of tearing metal the ship came to a halt. Just as the noise began to quiet down, an ambivalent wheezing sound filled the smoking wreck, and a blue police box materialized in the midst of the stunned officers. The door opened and out stepped a tall man with an absurdly long scarf. He looked around and broke into a huge grin.

"Oh good! I do love a party! Come along K9."

The captain walked up to the lighthearted newcomer twisting his mustache with keen glint in his eye.

"Forgive my manners, but who are you?"

The stranger looked up from surveying a smoking gear board.

"Oh, excuse me. I'm the Doctor of course. And this is my computer K9. Say hello K9."

"Hello."

The captain looked abashed. "How very curious. Cornwall, call one of your mongrels to fetch tea and cake. Should have some left buried in this wreckage." He growled under his breath.

"Good, good! I was feeling peckish." Said the Doctor smiling. "Wouldn't you agree K9?"

"Negative. Master."

"Yes, yes. Of course you're not."

Within moments a general commotion was heard in the hallway. The captain turned an agitated eye to the door as Cornwall entered with a laden "mongrel".

"I'll no' be servin tea ta ye simperin jackanapes!" yelled the irate servant.

The Doctor turned to the captain. "Oh, is this your man then, he is quite spirited."

"Hardly a human being." Said the Captain with distaste, "Only a Scotsman."

"If Ye're a human bean, than Im glad Im no' one!"

"Enough" the captain barked, "We'll have that tea now."

"Ye can have it over me cold dead body! Or are ye tae scared to fetch ye'r precious _goo_dies?!" challenged the angry server, and threw the tray at the captain.

"You know we really ought to do something about that, this is the third time this week that this has happened." Muttered the Captain, "It is unbefitting for an officer in her Majesty's service to walk around with crumbs on his lapel all the time. Do stop hopping like that Watson it is most unattractive."

"Hot! Hot!" Cried Watson who was covered in tea and juggling the pot.

"Oo, ye poor wee bairn. Are ye gaen to cry over spillt tea, or man up and come fight me!" taunted the Scottish prisoner.

"Good show! This is much better than tea isn't it!" laughed the Doctor to K9

"Inderminate."

"Oh you're no fun K9. Say Captain! Your man is very spirited, and seems slightly resistant to your cause if I may say so, and I am wondering why he decided to join this mission."

"We didna choose ta be here, no! doon the road I war walkin when these dafties, ca the feet frae under me, and put me en chains when I was doon. Twa the same fer the others!"

The Doctor walked to the irate man.

"So you are saying you are here against your will? And that there are in fact more of you?"

"Aye."

"And what do you have to say to this then Captain? Did you take these men prisoner against their will." Asked the Doctor.

"Of course I did, what else would we do with bloody Scots."

"You mean then to tell me that they have commited no crimes?"

The captain sniffed, "No crime, other then disgracefully bad manners. No, no, they are simply test subjects. Her majesty decided that tests needed to be done to discover a cure for incivility. As you've seen, we've had precious little progress in our experimentations."

Just as he finished speaking there was a great clang, and a hatch opened directly in front of the crew.

"Emergency hatch has opened Captain."

The Captain was suddenly dropped on his civil posterior when the chained Scot went rushing past him with a great hoot of victory.

The Scot turned when he was a good half mile away, "Catch me if ye can ya tea addled ninnies!" He yelled, than disappeared in the thick alien brush.

The Doctor turned to his computer, "Spirited chap that one. Wouldn't you agree K9."

"Unable to process, master."

"Say Captain," The Doctor turned to the again standing man, "Where do you keep the rest of your test subjects?"

Just then there was a great clang followed by shouting and laser shots. Cornwall burst onto the seen with mangled uniform and short of breath.

"Captain…Sir…the prisoners have escaped!"

"What?! All of them?" the Captain growled.

"Yes sir. Terribly sorry sir."

The captain growled and appeared like he might become violent when the Doctor stepped between them with a disarming smile.

"Well I'm certain there is nothing to be angry about, especially when Cornwall here is being so…civil…" he let the last word trail off.

The Captain turned a smoldering eye on the Doctor before straightening his uniform and sniffing. "Yes of course. Quite right."

Cornwall visibly breathed a sigh of relief.

"Now to business!" exclaimed the Captain with a twist to his mustache. "Men at the ready! We will not allow her majesties tests to fail. After the prisoners!"

The men all filed out guns at the ready with the Doctor and his computer dog sauntering behind.

"Ah K9 this should be fun."

"Affirmative master."


	2. Chapter 2 Civilitonium

Miss silly goose wishes to express, so as not to be at fault, that neither herself nor Miss Anthrope own Dragonball or Dr. who. Thankyou. And now to the story!

Chapter 2 Civilitonium

Later on the Doctor and crew were setting up tents and preparing rations for the night. Noticing the black look on the Captain's face the Doctor addressed him.

"Well you can always look in the morning, assuming morning follows the same patterns on this planet. I notice that there doesn't appear to be a moon tonight."

"Indeed." The Captain growled.

"Oh come now! Don't be so glum Captain there's plenty of time to find the prisoners. By the way, just what were you using to ehm…civilize them with?"

"Just the usual… civilitonium and audio manipulation."

"Civilitonium you say? That might prove problematic."

"How so? It works perfectly on the chimpanzee's. Actually we had much more success with them then with the Scots."

"Of course, they have no reason to be resistant to your cause, can't think for themselves. But the civilitonium doesn't affect primates in the same way, I suppose it hasn't been used yet on humans hmm. And that would be why you were sent out into the reaches of space to conduct this test." The doctor turned to his left. "K9, how long does it take for civilitonium to cause adverse effects on humans after it is cut off?"

K9's ears whirred for a moment. "Processing…it will take twenty three hours and forty two minutes for the first adverse effects to manifest."

"Well, that's that."

"Excuse me, but what exactly are you talking about Doctor? What are these adverse effects."

"I'm not entirely sure Captain. It seems to manifest differently from person to person, however if there really is no moon on this planet, you will be infinitely lucky. Now, I think I will retire and rest before the excitement in store for coming days begins. Come along K9."

"Yes master."

The Doctor peeked out from the tardis and looked around. All was quiet so he stepped out trailed by K9. The English camp was sleeping, even Henderson who appeared to be on guard duty. It was easy to slip past unnoticed. When they had rounded a curve behind some unknown species of tree a good mile from camp the Doctor turned to K9.

"Now then, run a thermal scan for me K9 and find the Scottish test subjects."

"Yes master." K9's ears whirred for a moment, "Located master. Follow me." The robotic dog drove quickly into the wood unhampered by the uneven terrain.

"Stop K9." The Doctor commanded when he heard voices ahead, the computer dog obliged. "Wait here for me."

"Yes Master." Replied the mechanical voice before powering down.

The Doctor entered the clearing and addressed the refugees with a disarming smile. "Hello there my Scottish friends, and good evening."

"An just who are ye callin' friends?" Replied the tea-serving Scot from earlier while shaking his fist in the Doctor's face.

"Well you of course. Don't be silly."

"And why should we trust _ye_?" A general chorus of agreement sounded all around.

"Because I am here to help you."

"Eneuch! ye were prancing roond with tha clamjamfry o' English earlier todee. I donnae trust ye. Ye'll leave or ye wul be dayd."

"Oh come, come, let's be reasonable here. I do not work with the English from that ship, I only just happened to arrive today purely by accident. But I did ask them about the experimentation, and found that they have been dosing you with an agent that can have some interesting side effects when ceased. So you had all best sit down here around this cozy fire and listen to what I have to tell you."

"Et cood be a lie!"

"Nae, he's neen of them, I've niver seen him before, and I've done brakfast duty fer three weeks."

"Ye can all be doited, but I'll jis be hearin' what a min has to say!"

"Oh good. Now then," the Doctor began, "I've been told you have been given a dose of civilitonium everyday for the past month. When ceased it can cause the part of the human brain in control of temperance, quiet, respect, and yes, civility to go haywire. However this in itself is not the real problem, for these things can again be mastered with some work, no, the real problem is that it can unbalance the human brain and nervous system so strongly, that you can begin to develop very un-human traits that physically manifest, and even overpower your very humanity."

"That's feen. Anythin to make us less like them English doits."

"Aye!" A chorus rang out.

A lady walked over and sat beside the Doctor.

"What can aabody be expectin' to happen?"

"It's hard to say really. You see it's a little different for each person, some develop a simple craving for bananas, others grow a layer of fur all over, or develop a powerful brow line, or tails. However the worst manifestations only show themselves on nights with a full moon, and it seems this planet may not have one."

"Dinna be daft man. If there's nae moon, then what's that?" A man said pointing at the sky where a nearly full moon had just peeked over the horizon. The Doctor looked up.

"Oh dear."

"What happens at the full moon?" The lady asked.

"You'll find out soon enough." The Doctor said cryptically. "But enough of that." He jumped up with a smile, "K9 come here."

The computer dog rolled into the clearing.

"Find us some plants safe for human consumption."

"Yes master." The dog rolled to the brush and began its work. "Inedible…dangerous…safe….safe."

The refugees followed K9 sampling each new safe plant until they had a reasonable pile.

When the sun had come up and was shining on the land the Doctor could be seen walking to the English camp. The Captain accosted him quickly upon his entrance.

"You have been consorting with the enemy haven't you."

The Doctor waved his hand, " My my, touchy aren't we. Yes I have been to check on your patients and you'll be happy to know they are fine." He said with a smile.

"Hmph!" replied the Captain twisting his moustache. "I suppose you will tell us where they are now so we can fix this problem and resume our tests."

"Oh no," the Doctor smiled, "I have no intention of doing any such thing. In fact, I was coming to inform you that you had better start digging some kind of underground fortification, or find some excellent hiding places."

The Captain cast the Doctor a look somewhere between rage and confusion. "And why, pray tell, would we do that?"

"Because my dear man, you are about to witness the uncontrolled after-effects of civilitonium withdrawal on a few very angry patients."

The Captains eye twitched as he pulled his moustache. The Doctor continued putting an arm around the irate Captain,

"You see Captain when I was out last night I saw that there was indeed a moon, and not only that, it is but one or two days from full. Civilitonium and a full moon spell disaster."

"Why should I trust you anyway, 'Doctor'? All of my troubles occurred when you entered the equation. Do you honestly believe that I am afraid of a few unarmed Scots?!"

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, "I am only here to help Captain, and you would be wise to listen." His serious expression turned bright, "K9, do I ever lie."

"Affirmative."

The Doctor glared at his dog, "Oh what do you know anyway."

"Rule number one, the doctor lies."

"Yes, yes, you can stop now!"

"Yes master."


	3. Were apes

And now for the fun part HaHAHA! Miss silly goose may be slightly unbalanced, and Miss Anthrope slightly delusional, yet we both know and readily admit, that we do not own in any part Dr. Who or Dragon ball.

The Captain paced around the fire twisting his mustache. The English officers were now looking less then pristine in their mud-saturated and well rumpled uniforms. A few various root vegetables (newly discovered) roasted over said fire. The Captain stopped and looked up at the darkening sky. Tonight was the night. What exactly it held in store he had no idea, but he was nervous, and he would never admit it.

"Captain!" A man ran up to him breaking his nervous pace. "We have found the Scottish camp, but, they are not there."

The Captain said nothing but returned to pacing, eyes smoldering.

Suddenly there was a disruption and the Doctor came bursting into the ramshackle camp.

"I assume you have found a suitable hiding place Captain." He said with a breathless smile.

The Captain glared, "Blast it all man! We are not going to run and hide like dogs from _them!"_

The Doctor's gaze turned fierce. "Don't be a fool, if you and your men don't find cover you will be nothing more then a smear on the ground come morning!' He hissed.

"Just what are you implying?! How could a few scotch ragamuffin prisoners manage to grind us to a 'smear' without a weapon among their number?"

"Well…"

The Captain's eyes blazed death.

"Find a safe place." The Doctor stated with finality, "Or face the consequences."

The men were all gathered around waiting tensely for the captain's orders. The doctor smiled suddenly. "It just so happens that I found a nice dry cave just now, around the corner. All of you should follow me right now before the sun sets. Please Captain."

The Captain grunted his affirmation and the men set about gathering their things.

Night had just fallen and two Scottish men were sitting on a log eating legs and wings of some unidentifiable alien creature.

"Ach, look at Mary. She's sproutin' a routh o' hair like an ewe in the winter."

"Aye." The other laughed. "Hold the phone, what's thess?" He questioned pulling on something that distinctly resembled a tail.

"Ach, ye've grown a tail. HaHaHa!" The other man laughed so hard he fell off the log. The one with the tail shrugged, dropping it, and resumed his dinner. As the ground-ridden fellow lifted the wing back to his mouth he chanced to look up at the sky where a huge full moon had risen.

"Oye, Angus. Eneuch, fit wye are ye starin' lik' that?" he looked up as well catching sight of the moon. The roasted leg fell to the ground with a dramatic thud. All around the camp the Scottish patients were having the same reaction. Then almost simultaneously they all began to grow at an alarming rate, sprouting hair and long apelike snouts, and shooting up till they were two hundred feet tall or more.

The Captain and his men were pacing nervously in the cave when Henderson broke out in a pitiful wail.

"We forgot the McVities! And the cucumbers!"

One of the men stood and put a hand to his heart.

"I will retrieve them."

The others all gave him a pat on the back, and sent him on his way.

"Godspeed, Jenkins." Another said.

"Don't forget the tea!"

"And the dill!" They yelled behind him.

A few moments later the night erupted with a huge roar. It was followed by another, and another, until the night was filled with the monstrous howls. The Doctor stood at that moment and said. "It begins."

The men began to panic looking to their captain for orders. But it was the Doctor who spoke first sitting back down.

"It would be best to stay right here, as quietly as possible."

"Don't be ridiculous!" the Captain hissed. "We are officers in her Majesty's employ. We will take care of this problem right now!"

"Well then." The Doctor replied. "It's your funeral, perhaps you had better get a look at what exactly it is that you will be taking care of."

"Yes we will." The Captain replied straightening his jacket. "Follow me men." He ordered. And they all crept up over the cave and to the crest of the hill. It was easy to spot the new inhabitants of the planet.

"By Jove." The Captain murmured

The giant two hundred foot-tall apes strolled around crushing everything beneath their feet. Occasionally stopping to pummel their chests or pull a tree up to pick their teeth.

"You see Captain, I tried to warn you." The Doctor shook his head. "Civilitonium…terrible stuff. Best to hide out for the night. This only happens when there is a full moon. Although in their regular form they will be stronger, and meaner as well."

"Wait one moment Doctor, do you mean that this will happen at every full moon?"

"Yes. The effects of civilitonium are irreversible."

"Then we will take care of this tonight." The Captain growled.

"Ooh! I wouldn't recommend that." The Doctor said before he was cut off.

"Look!" a man exclaimed.

The brave man who had run to rescue the biscuits was seen running out of the wreckage of the ship below just as a marauding ape burst out of the woods before him.

The brave soldier dropped his parcels with a jump, and a yelp. The ape never even looked down at the unfortunate man that was crushed beneath its gigantic feet.

"No!" The Captain and men yelled.

"Hush you fools!" The Doctor exclaimed. But it was too late, the ape had noticed. It roared calling its companions. Soon five apes were moving toward them.

"Run for cover!" the doctor yelled.

"No stand your ground men! We will bring them down!"

Two soldiers jumped from the ledge running toward the monsters and shooting their lasers. Unfortunately for them, the giant ape noticed. The lasers seemed to have no effect on the monster, it reached down unfazed and picked up the two men like they were dolls. One of them stabbed the creatures hand with his bayonet, but this seemed only to infuriate the beast, and it crushed the two men in its hands.

"It's up to me now," growled the Captain as he hefted a bazooka on his shoulder.

"I wouldn't recommend that Captain…" the doctor tried, but it was too late and the Captain leapt from the ledge with a yell and shot the bazooka at the giant ape. The night lit up with the missile. The beast roared as the missile exploded on its back and it turned spying the angry captain with his smoking gun. It opened its mouth and roared but instead of just sound a huge laser beam lit up the night absolutely obliterating the captain and a quarter mile of the forest all around.

Back on the ledge the Doctor whispered to the remaining men.

"Back to the cave, we can do nothing here tonight."

Inside the cave the men listened to the roaring and crashing that filled the night. One spoke up after a long time.

"Excuse me Doctor, but did you say earlier that we can expect this to be a regular occurrence?"

"Yes I'm afraid so, the effects of civilitonium never wear off. In fact there is some speculation that it may even be passed on to the offspring of those injected with it."

"Hmm." The man nodded to himself, "then I Lieutenant Geoffrey Bubbles will make it my life's work to build up a technologically advanced city capable of repelling these giant beasts."

"Good. That's the spirit! The doctor smiled pulling out a crumpled brown bag and offered it to the men gathered round.

"Jelly baby?"

"And that Goku is how it all happened."

"Wow, I guess that explains some things. But hey King Kai, that all happened a long time ago right, how did they have spaceships?"

"Oh, the solar storm that damaged the ship threw them back in time a few thousand years. Anyways, I would assume that's the reason you have always felt so at home on earth, and also is why your people have so much in common with humans."


	4. our people

Miss Silly Goose and Miss Anthrope do not own Dragonball or Dr. Who.

A few years later.

"Kakarot you will never make me believe that the proud Saiyan race has any connection to these." Vegeta gestured at the various gathering of humans making fools of themselves.

"Honest Vegeta! King Kai told me, there was this spaceship that crashed…and something called civilitonium…"

"Enough! I won't hear anymore of it!"

"Come on Vegeta!"

"Fine take me to see them and I will prove to you that this is absurd and impossible."

"Okay!" Goku grabbed Vegeta's shoulder and put two fingers to his head.

Goku and Vegeta looked around. They were somewhere in Scotland, it was evening, and a sheep bleated somewhere in the distance. There was nothing around except a pub that shed a few squares of light on the darkened ground. The two walked in, it was full of people laughing and singing dressed predominately in kilts and drinking a lot of what seemed to be a dense black liquid.

Vegeta walked up to the bar with a scowl on his face.

"What is that?" He demanded pointing at the black liquid.

"It's a pint." The baffled bartender replied, "Ye'r not from around here are ye lad."

"Of course not, don't be a fool." Vegeta replied.

"Who are ye callin' _a fool_?!" The man beside him slurred.

"Obviously I was mistaken, any fool who can't hold his drink deserves that title!"

"Ach, at least I know what it is! An I'll be doited if I let ye stand there sayin' I'm stoopid specially when ye'r the one wearin ladies' stretchy clothes ye loony!" The man stood up and punched Vegeta hard in the face.

Vegeta regarded the human with an almost pleased expression.

"I think I actually felt a tickle that time." He said with a smirk, than punched the man back sending him straight through the wall and outside. The people in the bar began to laugh and cheer. Vegeta turned around to see a woman punch Kakarot in the face with a laugh. The man came staggering back inside through the hole in the wall.

"Is that all ye've got? Nivver fash tumshie, there's mair where that came from. Ill take ye with me bare hands!"

Vegeta smirked as the bar fell into a mad riot of fighting and laughter.

Bulma turned to Gohan. "Where did Goku and Vegeta go?"

Gohan looked around confused. Bulma stood up and began wandering around as well, suddenly in front of them Goku and Vegeta materialized. They were leaning on each other singing something about 'bonnie banks and braes', and 'highroads and low roads.' Vegeta had on a kilt over his spandex, and Goku had some contraption that was made out of the same material but had tubes sticking out of it all over under his arms.

"Hey Bulma!" Goku said smiling, "We were just visiting our people." Just then the thing under his arms made a loud farting noise along with a long squeal.

Bulma was confused. "Vegeta, where have you been really?"

He scowled, "You heard him woman! Visiting our people."

"What are you wearing?"

Vegeta looked down then shrugged and passed out. Goku started pointing and laughing so hard he fell over. Abruptly he stopped and began to snore. Bulma walked over and gave him a kick then shrugged and walked away muttering, "weird."

End


End file.
